Pretending pretension
I’m discovering in heartbreak, I am too tired, too embarrassed, too scared to journal. I simply don’t have the words, and this is new for me. However, being in love with someone romantically is new for me too; I just cried at a video featuring the back of my ex’s head. Heartbreak is a different form of mourning, mourning someone who isn’t dead, and I have learned that this requires me to consume rather than create.
My favorite cheese fries at Bin I ate after he broke up with me in a 1 minute phone call.
They hadn’t had these in months.
I’m a very prideful person. I love to pretend pretension, and in my current emotional state, I am determined to adhere to this practice by diving into my hobbies, education, and friendships in an act of rebellion. Of course, this is rooted in my deep fear of losing myself in a romantic relationship, as Deep South dating culture has normalized. And, I am nothing if not a little spiteful.
I have begun reading SubStack articles to feed my deluded pseudo-intellectualistic desire, and I can’t get enough. I read them at work, in fast food lines, even in between classes. Sometimes I need to properly wallow in an exploratory echo chamber to get over it, and SubStack is just the place to lick my wounds.
I wanted to list some of my recent favorite reads, because my pretending is twofold: gathering and disseminating the works that give name to the experiences I could not properly identify. If you do read any of these, I would love to discuss and pretend with you.